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Post by kurtis on May 11, 2013 21:02:41 GMT -8
[cs=3][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,padding: 0px; width: 500px; background: transparent url('http://i.imgur.com/JUKLO.png') no-repeat;,true] | [atrb=width,111][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 8px; padding-top:3px;] | [atrb=width,76][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 0px; padding-top:3px;] | [atrb=width,313][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 0px; padding-top:3px;] | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;] Kurtis Yamamoto | [cs=3][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;]
Stubborn. Honest. Upbeat. | [cs=3][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;] Kurt. Flash Fist(stage name)
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Twenty-two | [cs=3][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;] 01/20/1990
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Male | [cs=3][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;] Straight
| [cs=3][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;]
Civilian | [cs=3][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;] Fighter
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Personality | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 450px; text-align: center; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 25px;]
Kurtis is, to say the least, confident about what he does. He might take some time to get to his decision, but when he does, he will always stick to it unless some way higher power tells him otherwise. We are talking like, fate or destiny. Or his girlfriend at the time. Ether or.
Kurtis is loyal to his Homies, and always will look out for them. He doesn't have many, but those close to him he will take more then a few blows for.
He's daring in the sense of He doesn't care if society thinks it's wrong or if it's rude, he'll say it or slug someone if they deserve it. In truth, it's that he's honest. He doesn't care if someone is in Denial, or just wants to pretend it's not real or even if they are just plain wrong, he's gonna tell it how it is and break the illusion with words, or if they have done something over the line and no one would do something, He is gonna kick your ass(history for example.)
While stubborn, he's also gentle around smaller things(like cats). His softer side shows up around certain things, or when he is just relaxing with someone he likes. Course, he usually messes it up.
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Lineage | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 450px; text-align: center; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 25px;]
Kurtis is Native American/Japanese/Russian mix, going from his Father that was a Russian Japanese mix, and his mother that was a native american. Speaks only english though, with only an american accent(even though he does do a really good Japanese one)
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History | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 450px; text-align: center; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 25px;]
Well, it started off with his grandfather taking a vacation into Japan and well, paid a hooker and didn't use a condom way back then. It wasn't until later when his grandfather had left back for his homeland that she realized she was pregnant. His grandmother didn't pay attention to the times, but still left the city of Tokyo to raise her son in with her parents on their country farm.
Back in the USA, Kurtis' mother was born around this same time, three years after Kurtis' father was born. It had been a very dangerous time back then due to the war, but life still went on in the tribe. His mother grew to be a rascal, always wondering away and exploring, giving everyone a head ache looking after her.
Kurtis's father Came to america when he was 8, in wonder of why they were coming here. His mother just said it was to get fresh air. In truth, he old pimp had found her and she had run. It was as safe a place to run from the gangster due to WW2 a decade ago. Kurtis grandmother started as a waitress while Kurtis' father started school there.
Sad to say, nothing eventful happened till the last year of Kurtis' father's High school year, where a strange Native american girl was on campus and causing an uproar. The father, never one to miss out, went to see and found Kurtis' mom shouting. Cupid's arrow found it's target that day as she ran away, The father chasing after.
The start was long, painful(to the father), and harsh for both of them, but after a week of asking her out and even adventuring onto her Reservation(nearly getting himself killed) She agreed to go out with him. Kurtis' stubborn streak discovered. While His father seemed to be having a time of his life, his mother thought he was a stupid Japanese pretty boy with no skills. Course, the prejudice was still against the Japanese, so you can sort of guess what happens next.
As the date was ending, A group from the father's school tried to jump him. To say the least, He got his ass handed to him. Course, Kurtis' father refused to let the mother punch them back, and took it all. She thought he was the stupidest person on the earth, but he now had her attention. She respected his strength enough to take the beating and not even let a single sob out, just so she wouldn't get hurt.
When he got out of the hospital, they started to date again. To put a long story short, After a lot of years of dating, She agreed to marry him. It was her own stubborn streak that prevented her from saying yes sooner.
When Kurtis was born, His father was opening up his own Sushi restaurant on a dare to his mother, saying he would. Kurtis grew up around fish, people, and his mother throwing people out the door when they tried to eat for free. It was a pretty good childhood, and it got better when His mom decided to make her son a fighter as well.
She took him to a local Dojo specializing in Karate and signed him up for a class. Now, Kurtis was no where near as tough. Heck, he was a cry baby as a child. His mother wasn't gonna have any of that. The roles were sort of reversed in his house hold(sightly). His mother brought down the hammer, and he ran to dad if he ever got her angry.
When Kurtis turned eleven, he was a Green belt in the adults class, surpassing the child's classes. They had to use different gloves when fighting him as to not hurt him to badly, but it worked out well, and his mother was proud how her son didn't cry when he took a punch anymore. His father would always chuckle when he watched Kurtis spar, saying," He's our son for sure. Your ferocity and my stubbornness." Kurtis lit up inside when he saw the pride in their eyes.
It all seemed to be going well, but then an incident started in his elementary school. he had been nearly twelve at the time. There was this bully going around, taking people's lunches and hurting them behind the teacher's backs. There was never any proof, and the kids were to scared of the bully to go to them. Kurtis saw it enough, and decided enough was enough. The next time he saw the Bully acting badly, Kurtis just tapped on his shoulder and asked him to stop. Politely at first. The kid spit in his face and said no.
Kurtis curled his small fist and Slammed it into the Bully's face, knocking one of his teeth out. The kid spun, but Kurtis was on him like a relentless hawk. First he kicked out his skins, a satisfying crunch as he fell, and then down and quickly struck the bully across the face, knocking the kid out.
He was expelled from the school the next day, as he broke the Bully's nose and leg. His parents furious, and his Sensei kicked him out of the Dojo, as he had broken the rule not to fight outside the walls expect in self-defense. It wasn't self defense, and all the teacher's said he should have gone to an adult, not put the kid in the hospital. It crushed him, but he had one silver lining. His parents said that they forgave him. He was still grounded, but they forgave him after the other boy the Bully had been picking on told his folks what Kurtis did. Made him feel better inside.
As he turned 15, he entered a different Dojo, this one a MMA style one. He wanted to continue to hone his skills, deciding that next time he would only knock the person out or take the first punch and then beat the crap out of him.
As he entered high school, he was amazed on how stupid everyone was acting. He never got why so many people cared about how popular someone was or why suddenly this fashion sense was better. He was like his father like that though, but he took it all in. It was all very amusing.
Even though he never really fit into the popular crowds, he never was downbeat. He had his own friends, good grades, and his fighting to go to after school was over. It was one of his best qualities. He never was down during those years, even during Midterms. He always has a smile for someone.
Though high school, love was in the air. He did get around the block a little, if you know what I mean, though no relationship lasted more then a year. He always seemed to screw it up some way or another.
While he enjoyed working for this father, he decided to get a different job as colleges started. He was going for a basic degree in Physical health when he turned 21. He started off working in a bar to pay through the local college fee's. His father wanted to pay the whole thing, having set up a second shop by then and was way in the black. Kurtis only allowed him to pay 1/2. He wanted to feel like he did some of it, and the local college wasn't that expensive. It was half way through the year that things got interesting.
It was about 3 months after he started working at the bar that he started to notice things going on behind the place. At first, he ignored it, but it grated on his nerves. Kurtis walked back there to see two guys fighting with a ring of people around them, taking bets and shots. He was sort of impressed, and his boss was taking the bets and that they had cleared the area and even put mats down to fight. He would have just went back to ignoring it, but his boss(drunk) saw him and called him over. Kurtis went, as they still had 3 more employs inside. His boss bet him that he couldn't win a match, and Kurtis almost refused to play, but the crowd caught on and started to dare him to. He sighed, taking his uniform apron off and got in the ring.
To say the match was quick is an understatement. The man he was facing was untrained, off balance and over confident. Kurtis dodged his punch, and landed a solid blow into his solar plexis, knocking the air out of him. His knee came up into the other guy's chin and he flew back, out cold. Quick match ever.
After a while, and the fact that his boss kept asking him to, he started to fight back there for fun, keeping his skills up really as he didn't have much time to go to his usual dojo and spar. Usually drunks, Kurtis didn't have much of a challenge. It wasn't until later that his boss set up a bigger fight behind his back that Kurtis was challenged. Kurtis thought he was being mugged, and got a black eye from it. He sent that guy to the hospital to though.
After a while, he started to enter the legal tournaments around LA, taking some good pleasure in going against people that challenged him. He stuck to MMA, as being stuck in one fighting style didn't suit him. One time, they asked for a stage name for him in a Boxing ring, he he went with Flash fist, an old name his mother called him one time when she saw him learning. It worked.
In two years time(he's 23 now) he got his associates degree and dropped out, figuring he likes the fighting more. He was still just local, but there were enough Legal areas to put on a fighting show to earn his dollar, and if he was in a pinch, Illegal ones to.
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Roleplayer Information | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 400px; text-align: center; padding-left: 50px; padding-right: 50px;]
KELLEN;; Also plays None
PREFERENCE;; Yes (MY BAD BEFORE)
FACE CLAIM;; Final fantasy 13– Snow | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 500px; height: 35px;] |
[newclass=.boorder img]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100x;border-radius: 100px; float: left; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder2 img]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100x;border-radius: 100px; float: left; height: 70px; width: 70px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100px;border-radius: 100px; border: 4ps solid #ffffff; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder2]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100px;border-radius: 100px; border: 4ps solid #ffffff; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass]
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F A T E
UNKNOWN ENTITY
ADMIN ACCOUNT
ANCIENT POWERS
Posts: 295
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Post by F A T E on May 12, 2013 20:48:05 GMT -8
[cs=3][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,padding: 0px; width: 500px; background: transparent url('http://i.imgur.com/JUKLO.png') no-repeat;,true] | [atrb=width,111][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 8px; padding-top:3px;] | [atrb=width,76][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 0px; padding-top:3px;] | [atrb=width,313][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 0px; padding-top:3px;] | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;] PENDING | [cs=3][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;]
FATE HAS FOUND SOME PROBLEMS | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 450px; text-align: center; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 25px;]
To start us off, your icon is broken. You can't hotlink from fanpop, as while it will work for you, it's broken for everyone else. Your character name should be normal caps in the profile itself, but on your account on the site, it should be all caps.
His last name should be Japanese from the history you've given. While his paternal grandfather is Russian, he would not have been around to give his last name, so Kurtis's father would have been given his mothers.
The three traits you list at the top should be the most important traits for his character. Stubborn is shown, but neither clever nor observant are. The personality in general should be expanded, as it feels a bit sparse.
His profession is confusing. In the field, you have him as a bartender/fighter. In the history, he's a waiter, fighter, and college student. Which is it?
What type of Native American is his mother? For lineage, why is his fighting style in here?
The grammar for this app is fairly spotty. To fix it, try reading it out loud. There are a lot of mistakes that break the flow of your sentences.
The history seems more like bullet points then paragraphs in it's current state. We get a lot of brief mentions with no elaboration. For example, why did he beat someone up? It wasn't self defense, so this just makes him sound like a bully, which isn't reflected in his personality. You also mention him being overly hyperactive, which also isn't in the personality.
As a note, a 'kids belt' for Karate would mean nothing if he intended to be serious with it. It might give him a leg up, but an adult belt would generally be a different class. Karate is also not the same thing as mixed martial arts. These are two completely different styles..
I'm guessing you meant it as a joke, but pervertedness isn't a genetic trait, nor is being reckless.
He would not be allowed to work in a bar at 18. The legal drinking age is 21, and while some states may allow someone to work as a waiter in a bar with a restaurant attached, a bar that hosts an illegal fight club would definitely not be hiring someone who is in a legal grey area.
Fight clubs, as you've described, are really not real. There's such a thing as illegal fighting, but the details are all wrong. Why would he have a manager for his illegal fights, but not his legal fights? I'm having a hard time believing someone who has a history of sexual assault behind the scenes would get far as a 'rising star' in legal fighting. You also haven't explained what kind of legal fighting.
At the end of history, you mention college. This isn't mentioned anywhere else in the app. What is he taking? How is he finding time in his schedule?
Your preference is a yes or no to being awakened. As explained to you in the cbox, you do not pick. | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 500px; height: 35px;] |
[newclass=.boorder img]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100x;border-radius: 100px; float: left; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder2 img]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100x;border-radius: 100px; float: left; height: 70px; width: 70px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100px;border-radius: 100px; border: 4ps solid #ffffff; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder2]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100px;border-radius: 100px; border: 4ps solid #ffffff; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass]
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Post by kurtis on May 13, 2013 14:30:09 GMT -8
That should do it. I hope it's better this time. Also, thanks for not going easy.
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TERRESA
UNKNOWN ENTITY
RESIDENT UNICORN
小書瑀
Posts: 105
MINI INFO - GENDER: Female
MINI INFO - D.O.B.: HOW DARE YOU ASK A WOMAN HER AGE?
MINI INFO - OCCUPATION: Guardian Kirin of the White Rice Paddies
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Post by TERRESA on May 13, 2013 18:51:40 GMT -8
[cs=3][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,padding: 0px; width: 500px; background: transparent url('http://i.imgur.com/JUKLO.png') no-repeat;,true] | [atrb=width,111][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 8px; padding-top:3px;] | [atrb=width,76][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 0px; padding-top:3px;] | [atrb=width,313][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 0px; padding-top:3px;] | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;] PENDING | [cs=3][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;]
FATE HAS FOUND SOME PROBLEMS | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 450px; text-align: center; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 25px;]
I can see that changes have been made, however there are still a multitude of problems with this profile.
There is no appearance section but a look at your character's avatar and his lineage shows us that it just cannot be. Genetics tell us that a brunette and a blonde will result in a child with darker hair. Now his father was Japanese and his mother was Native American. Both races have very dark hair. Snow has blonde hair. You see where I'm going with this?
The personality is sparse, to say the least. I know it's quality over quantity but some detail could really flesh out the character and give him more depth.
Now onto the history. I'll just list them as I go down.
One of the things that bothers me is that in the history, you write about Kurtis' parents. His mother lived in the USA during WWII, am I correct? You write that, "It had been a very dangerous time back then due to the war" but how was it dangerous? WWII was fought on two fronts: the Pacific front and the European front. Neither of which was fought on US soil. Unless I misunderstood and there was another war. Even then, there were no wars on US soil in the 1900s. In regards to his father, he is of Japanese descent. WWII caused a lot of tension among the public and those of the Japanese race were sent to interment camps. Even after WWII, there was still much hatred and animosity towards the Japanese. I doubt that his grandmother would have chosen America as a safe place to flee to.
Why was his mother shouting? Was there a protest? Was she crazy? Its little details like these that help us understand the character and their history. Just saying that his mother was shouting before jumping to the next part leaves the reader confused.
Why was his father jumped...? Like I said before, details help immensely.
Even if he was a green belt, he would not be moved to the adult classes. Realistically, Kurtis would have been in the child's section because of his age, not his skill level.
Breaking someone's nose I can accept but a twelve year old breaking someone's leg seems a bit far fetched. Also, schools would more likely suspend kids for fighting as opposed to outright expelling them. They're supposed to give the kids a chance before actually kicking them out of school.
You say that he entered a MMA dojo but what style? MMA istelf is not a style, it is a sport. I know nothing about MMA fighters but a quick look at Wikipedia tells us that it's a sport that allows contestants to use multiple fighting techniques, ergo mixed martial arts. Did he learn karate? Perhaps judo?
"deciding that next time he would only knock the person out or take the first punch and then beat the crap out of him." I am confused by this sentence. So he has not learned his lesson and is instead going to hurt people even further? Is that what I'm getting?
How does one work at a place for months and not know the entire layout? So he worked at the bar only to discover that there was a fighting ring behind it? That doesn't make much sense to me. If anything, he could have been invited to watch one but to find one on his own is a bit unbelievable.
If he dropped out of school without finishing, he shouldn't have his Associates degree. It's either or. Not both.
"In two years time(he's 23 now)" I thought you said he was 22 above. Not 23.
In general, there should be more detail and explanation for the personality and the history. There are also still a multitude of grammatical and spelling mistakes. One or two we can look over, but TF is a literate intermediate to advanced roleplay. Unless standards are met, we cannot accept the profile. | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 500px; height: 35px;] |
[newclass=.boorder img]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100x;border-radius: 100px; float: left; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder2 img]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100x;border-radius: 100px; float: left; height: 70px; width: 70px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100px;border-radius: 100px; border: 4ps solid #ffffff; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder2]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100px;border-radius: 100px; border: 4ps solid #ffffff; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass]
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TERRESA
UNKNOWN ENTITY
RESIDENT UNICORN
小書瑀
Posts: 105
MINI INFO - GENDER: Female
MINI INFO - D.O.B.: HOW DARE YOU ASK A WOMAN HER AGE?
MINI INFO - OCCUPATION: Guardian Kirin of the White Rice Paddies
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Post by TERRESA on May 21, 2013 19:10:12 GMT -8
[cs=3][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,padding: 0px; width: 500px; background: transparent url('http://i.imgur.com/JUKLO.png') no-repeat;,true] | [atrb=width,111][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 8px; padding-top:3px;] | [atrb=width,76][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 0px; padding-top:3px;] | [atrb=width,313][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 0px; padding-top:3px;] | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;] WIP-PENDING | [cs=3][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;]
TWO WEEKS FROM START | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 450px; text-align: center; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 25px;]
The above application has until 04 June 2012 to be completed. If the application is not completed by said date, it will be moved.
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[newclass=.boorder img]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100x;border-radius: 100px; float: left; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder2 img]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100x;border-radius: 100px; float: left; height: 70px; width: 70px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100px;border-radius: 100px; border: 4ps solid #ffffff; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder2]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100px;border-radius: 100px; border: 4ps solid #ffffff; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass]
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TERRESA
UNKNOWN ENTITY
RESIDENT UNICORN
小書瑀
Posts: 105
MINI INFO - GENDER: Female
MINI INFO - D.O.B.: HOW DARE YOU ASK A WOMAN HER AGE?
MINI INFO - OCCUPATION: Guardian Kirin of the White Rice Paddies
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Post by TERRESA on Jun 3, 2013 20:06:08 GMT -8
[cs=3][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,padding: 0px; width: 500px; background: transparent url('http://i.imgur.com/JUKLO.png') no-repeat;,true] | [atrb=width,111][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 8px; padding-top:3px;] | [atrb=width,76][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 0px; padding-top:3px;] | [atrb=width,313][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,padding-left: 0px; padding-top:3px;] | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;] WIP-PENDING | [cs=3][atrb=style,width: 460px; text-align: center; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px;]
OVERTIME | [cs=3][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style,width: 450px; text-align: center; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 25px;]
The above application had over two weeks to be completed and was not, so it will be moved. Please contact Fate or Destiny if you would like for if to be moved back.
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[newclass=.boorder img]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100x;border-radius: 100px; float: left; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder2 img]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100x;border-radius: 100px; float: left; height: 70px; width: 70px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100px;border-radius: 100px; border: 4ps solid #ffffff; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass][newclass=.boorder2]-webkit-border-radius: 100px;-moz-border-radius: 100px;border-radius: 100px; border: 4ps solid #ffffff; height: 100px; width: 100px;[/newclass]
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