CIVILIAN. SALVAGE, HELENA (WIP)

PENDING

FATE HAS FOUND SOME PROBLEMS

Hello there! We've already spoken in the cbox before, so I'll get right to your app. There's a few things that need to be edited before Helena can be accepted.

To start, please remove her middle name and capitalize your display name. It should be HELENA SALVAGE.

I do want to note before we get into the big issue with the app that a lot of the information you've given is extraneous. While we do like being able to get a good mental picture of the character, a lot of the information you've given simply didn't need to be written.

A good rule of thumb with this is that if something you've written either applies to 90% of the population of the earth, or has no practical effect on her, you can leave it out. A good example of this is her likes and dislikes. Most of the dislikes you've listed apply to most people. It would really only be notable if the dislike is especially severe, or if it's out of place.

For the history, please break it up into more paragraphs. One of your paragraphs is more then 900 words, and could do with a few more breaks.

I said I wasn't going to go into detail on the history, but there are a few things that need to be touched on because they're fairly glaring issues. Simply put, I was having a very hard time following what was happening. We're getting a whole lot of unnecessary details, but missing more important facts that help us understand. For example, we get explicit detail all about the arson, but it wasn't until after the scene that I realized her brother wasn't even home, and I can only estimate a rough age based on that. For example, you keep mentioning places she's moving, but only some places. She starts in Wyoming, and then she visits Wyoming, but there's no mention of her leaving Wyoming.

Most people dislike 'prying people', 'clingy people', 'immaturity', etc. On the whole list, the only thing that stands out is the heat, considering the site is set in LA.

I'd strongly recommend you bring the lists down to the major traits, and I'd recommend editing your history with this in mind. The first sentence for example doesn't tell us anything beyond that she was born in summer.

Another point I want to touch on--although it won't be fully reviewed until the big point is--is that a lot of your weaknesses use weasel words. Essentially, a lot of her weaknesses have mitigating factors that make them less strong compared to her strengths. For example, she's just determined, but she can put others before herself. She just is loyal, but she 'can be moody'. There's a lot of 'can be' and 'sometimes', and in your paragraphs you even explain that what you've described as negatives aren't that bad. She's 'curious' for example, but never to the point where it's bothersome.

The cliff scene is similarly vague and confusing. If she was really unconscious for several hours, amnesia would be the least of her worries. Knocking people out is a super common thing in TV, movies, etc. In real life, you cannot be knocked unconscious without serious repercussions. If you're lucky, you'll have a concussion. More then likely she'd have a skull fracture, permanent impairment, intercranial bleeding, etc. If you are unconscious for more then a minute due to impact, your recovery time is counted in months, if not years. If Elena was really out for hours, she would be dead. She wouldn't be waking up.

Another thing about the character that needs to be addressed is the fact that this character is very similar to its face claim. Now this shouldn't be a problem if the similarities were minimal, but there are so many that the character itself seems to be a lot like Kyouko Kirigiri. Her choice of major (Forensic Science), for one, has no explanation, but going along with the fact that the face claim is a Super High School Level Detective it seems very much like she'll be a detective or a scientist. The minor in Computer Science isn't explained at all.

Helena's personality, as stated above, has very "weak" weaknesses. But even that, looking over her positives and negatives, she is very like Kirigiri in that sense. Usually on the site we don't mind having some similarities, but the fact that you as the creator seem to know the game, we can't accept this. If there are things in her pictures that could give away the fact it is fine, but since it's not it's just too coincidental. From the start, Kirigiri is mysterious - no one knew anything about her, and she kept to herself (aside from Naegi). Helena also is quite a lot like this.

Going through the list of Helena's characteristics, Kirigiri's personality seems prevalent. She is one of the only ones that 'adapts' and stays calm through the School Life of Mutual Killing and conducts her investigations to find the truth, especially at the last school trial. Rarely does she show her emotions to anyone, even Naegi up until the last half of the game. The only one she really trusts is Naegi, even then when Naegi chooses to conceal his knowledge of the mole in the school she doesn't warm up to him until much, much later.

Due to Kirigiri's character, she hides her scars on her hands by wearing gloves. Helena does so as well. However, in most pictures Kirigiri's hands have gloves on them, so it's not very apparent.

The history, for example. In Dangan Ronpa, Kirigiri has issues with her father (who left her when she was young and abandoned her), she has amnesia, and she has burns/scars on her hands. Helena has issues with her father as well, and her father had 'abandoned' her with her grandparents. Helena also has amnesia and there are scars from her hands. These aspects aren't apparent in her appearance at all, and too close to the face claim's character.