stupid boy, joze

from above the clouds a faint flash

announced the arrival of a lost child

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april 30th 2012
monday
dark and inside

There was no reason for Joze to be up. School was in just a bit, but here she was staring at the ceiling. Not really doing anything. These days, she hadn't been able to go to sleep much. Maybe a few hours here or there, catching sleep when she had been utterly exhausted. She had taken a nap earlier - a mere hour of sleep - but now she was just staring. Maybe she should be more productive with this time on her hands. Obviously she wasn't going to fall asleep, so that was that. And she was just a tab bit hungry, maybe she'd make herself something to eat. Yet this bed was so comfortable, and she didn't feel like moving. The sound of her sister's steady breathing calmed her a little bit, too. Normalcy.

When she herself was anything but. Hopefully her sister did nothing of the sort to get herself into a situation like she did. While it was interesting, these powers and these odd flashes, she didn't wish it on anybody. It was too big of a stretch. Her sister was still young and still held some of that innocence and belief in these things. She was probably more suited for this than she, but all of the troubles... all of pretty much everything. The danger that she had to face - her sister couldn't have possibly lasted one minute with those zombies.

A crash resounded - not quite loud but rather noticeable. She sat up immediately, because it sounded close. Eerily close. Inside the house close. Did someone break in? Concerned for her sister, she opened the door of their shared room tentatively, careful not to draw attention to herself. She had a weapon just in case - her fire would take care of them just fine (of course, she wouldn't do anything about any injuries she might accidentally inflict on them - it was their fault). But she hoped it wouldn't come to that and it was just her parents stumbling about. Oh wait. No, they wouldn't be. They weren't really here, were they? Working as they were at late hours these days.

Maybe it was Len. But Len, he was asleep in his own room, right? Not making that awful noise. Still Joze inched closer and in the darkness nearly tripped over her brother, who was just laying on the ground. "Len! What are you doing?!" Right in front of the door, which wasn't even locked, from what she saw. "Were you out?" And he sort of smelled like... no. He wasn't, right? She was more concerned now. "Get up." The blonde didn't wait for her brother to respond, since it came increasingly more obvious that if he had wanted to or could get up on his own accord, he would have done so already. So she lifted him and started to drag him slowly over towards his own room. "C'mon, don't make me do it by myself." Hopefully he was sober, because they would have a nice, long talk once they were in private. And she didn't mind dragging him all the way there if he didn't cooperate - she would just carry him there if she had to.

from above the clouds a faint flash

announced the arrival of a lost child

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april 30th 2012
monday
early, dark, and inside

The way he staggered when he walked, Joze really was concerned. Although she may have vehemently denied loving him as a sibling and reject any type of reconciliation, there was no way she could just leave him there in that sort of miserable state. As much as she wanted to say that she hated him, she didn't really. They were brother and sister, after all. She followed him in that stumbling state, wincing every time he stumbled. Her hand seemed to detect his movements faster than her brain did, and every time it seemed like he was dropping, it shot out. Of course, it would be awkward to explain that, so she held it back. Every single time it decided to act like that in the hopes of balancing her brother. Even if he tumbled and tripped up on that chair, it shouldn't have been this bad. Her suspicions were as good as confirmed.

"Len, you look awful." State the obvious, would she? But he did look the part, and for once Joze had nothing bad to say. Just worry, just concern. And his pitiful lie... did he resort to that now? What had drove him to this point, exactly? Was it her? "Don't lie to me." It hurt her too, didn't he know? "You never lied to me before this." He was usually blunt and insulting - sure he was secretive but this was a flat out lie. Was he still not in his right mind, or something? Maybe she should slap him around a bit, see if that worked.

She didn't mention anything about it to him, though. Wasn't one of the first steps admittance? If he couldn't do that, then where would they be? "Get up." That scowl on her face was back again. He was still a stupid idiot, he was. No amount of concern was going to make him change. "You and I are going to have a little talk." She pushed the door closed and turned on the light. This was him room, was it? Had it been so long since she had last step foot in it? Of course, he never had much of a reason to invite her in, and she didn't have much of a reason to go in. Changed so much in such a time. Well, it had been a while. It had been, what, two years now?

Yep, pretty long time to be estranged. Though she wouldn't quite use that word on their relationship. To be estranged was to be alienated - no longer close and affectionate. While that did apply, it was weird. Usually these people didn't live together anymore, and to use that word was almost daunting. "Look, Len. I don't know what's gotten into you. Tell me about it." And if you say no, I'll punch you so hard... Violence wasn't the answer, but she feared it might be the only tactic that might penetrate that thick skull of his. Though she might have to keep her fist in check.

from above the clouds a faint flash

announced the arrival of a lost child

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april 30th 2012
monday
early, dark, and inside

A plethora of emotions seemed to run across his face - or at least, that was what Joze was imagining. Of course, that was different in reality - she couldn't actually see that happening. But then there was that tell-tale anger of his, and the blonde girl suppressed a sigh. Things never do change, even with this happening. And even as he blew up in her face, and she felt herself slipping from the emotions, there was a sense of deja vu in this. It seemed... like he was doing what she did to him all those times he had tried to mend their relationship. Of course, it was different this time around. It was their relationship - it was his problem. That's what was different. So why couldn't he see it? That stupid, thick-headed, stubborn idiot.

"Why does it matter? Why does it matter?" Joze took some breaths to try to calm herself. Before this became a yelling match and they woke up their sister. No, this could be handled just between the two of them if they went about it as such. "Look. This is different." She was struggling with her anger - and it was to say that she was glowing with it, absolutely fuming. But she felt it in. Fire would only destroy. "You. You have a problem. I can smell it every time you open your mouth. You've been out. Drinking." She crossed her hands in a matter-of-fact way, trying to look serious, but undoubtedly failing. And the compelling amount of evidence against him right now... There was no use trying to deny it for him, now. This was much too serious - it had gone beyond petty anger. And she felt responsible for this. Had she been so inconsiderate as to reject his attempts at a more normal relationship that this debacle had to happen?

She didn't want to feel responsible, she didn't. She needed to be strong. "It's my business. It's family. Get your act together Len! You say you want to help the family? You sure are doing a great job, Mom and Dad and Sis are so proud of you." She choked back another sarcastic chuckle. Joze was trying to bury her guilt with her anger. This was definitely her fault. And she had to find a way to fix it, somehow. This was the best she could do - of course, this would probably do anything but fix it. But she had to attempt. Even if she might make an even bigger mess.

"And I do care about you. A little." She muttered, under her breath. It was hurting her, still.

from above the clouds a faint flash

announced the arrival of a lost child

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april 30th 2012
monday
early, dark, and inside

"It's not bull and you know it!" God, couldn't he understand? No. No, he couldn't understand. He never understood. And perhaps some people thought it was cute - but for this matter Joze found it anything but. It was the same, wasn't it? Always. Hadn't he learned? Didn't he pay attention that this was a problem and that it didn't help him at the very least? "I know you know that it's a problem! Get a hold of yourself!" He didn't even deny it anymore. Len had fallen so deep so fast, hadn't he? She didn't remember seeing any signs of this recently - then again, she had been so surprised today when she found him. Shocked, surprised, betrayed. Mere emotions that ran through her that really shouldn't have - since she had known had much it hurt to care about Len. Or even think about him really, seeing as how he threw everything back on her face.

Which made her face the question - why did she even bother with him? If he made a downwards spiral, why should she be the one to console him out of this? Simply because... Joze was convinced this had been her doing. And to be plagued with guilt - she wasn't sure if she could handle something like that. Plus, this was her brother... She could at least do him this much, right? So she stood there, and took his anger like she thought she deserved. He seemed to have quite a bit of pent up frustration, with his 'fuck-it-all' attitude that he took up. Of course, that wasn't true, right? He still had his future. Sure, he didn't get into that school, and he didn't have a job... But still! He wasn't different than most students of his age. So why did it have to be like this.

"Please get a hold of yourself." He didn't need to do this, did he? Plus, she was threading on thin ice now - who knew what kind of drunk Len was, especially with that explosive temper of his. Of course, it wasn't to say his angry actions didn't have a toll on her. Joze's blood boiled in anger, and even now she was shaking trying to push it to the back of her mind. "You're wrong."

Taking another deep breath, Joze tried more ineffective efforts to calm herself. "You don't care about Mom, Dad, or Sis?" And in her mind you don't care about me? Of course, she knew this, but she thought that it was only words full of madness. These were as well, but he as drunk. Or at least, he seemed pretty drunk, though his words weren't actually slurred like those typically of that. "Len." Len. Her mind... could no longer comprehend. She fell into the trap that was her emotions.

"How could you do that?! Don't you have any sentient?! How could you say such terrible things about your family? I mean I understand myself but the others have done nothing to you! I mean Sis, she's only twelve, don't you love her at all? Because she sure loves you!" Unconsciously, she had grabbed onto Len's shoulders and started shaking them, harder than necessary, hoping to get it in his brain how so incredibly wrong he was. And when she was done, a well placed slap on his face because of those hurtful words. Of course, she was pretty sure that nothing could get through to him though. She had risen her voice - she didn't want to do that. It had let off some much needed steam, but the outcome made her feel so much worse about herself. She couldn't - they couldn't - continue on like this. But even then, Joze could not bring herself to say those simple words. And Len in this state probably wouldn't even accept those simple words, either way, with all they had been through. Time did not heal any wounds.

"You know what I think.... what about you...? Do you still care, or do you not want to bother anymore?" Her breathing felt heavy as tears welled up in her eyes. "I..." She couldn't even really bring herself to continue that, her voice cracking and her body shaking. I hate you for being able to do this to me.

from above the clouds a faint flash

announced the arrival of a lost child

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april 30th 2012
monday
early, dark, and inside

"You're not... worthless." Normally Joze would be all over his language, berating him and pissing him off even more. But this time she was forced to look at the big picture and wince at it. No. This was not how things were supposed to be - things were supposed to be happy and fun. And with Len being as negative as he was about life, life would not be happy and fun. She gave thought to it a bit - if she hadn't been so stubborn then things might have been a bit different. Not that she blamed herself - it was still his fault for being so selfish. It was his fault for being so... himself. He showed that side of him that day when she had been so happy for herself. Of course, she expected him to be just as happy - and she expected him to be in the same situation that she had been to evoke such happiness. Of course, he didn't and now they were stuck. Stuck because once before she could not bring herself to forgive, and now he could not when she was finally ready on the eve of this new discovery.

Yeah. So maybe it was the realization of what it drove her brother to do to finally open up her eyes to this situation. The man inside of her - he had been incredibly loyal and devoted to his family. And now she felt those feelings - the feelings that the knight inside of her felt when the people he loved started to die right before him. And she could feel the overwhelming desire change this. To never let it happen again. But now, she had to start small. She would never be to his former glory, not immediately. If her distant brother she could put back onto the path of a bright future, than she would do it without question. He was overlapping with her. It was becoming more prominent, the feelings stronger than ever.

And she had just gotten a bit angry at Len. Just a bit. "She's only scared of you because of what you've done!" She spoke in a more hushed tone now, trying not to wake anyone. "But she still loves you, y'know? Why can't you grasp that yet?" We both do. This felt sad. This felt dramatic. Just the two things she absolutely hated. "And Mom and Dad - I doubt they have enough time to sleep and eat, much less talk behind your back. They're too busy as it is! They love you just as much as they love me." Maybe even more, since he was their prized first born, male at that too. Of course, that would have been good in history, but men were always stereotyped to be better. And first born. Superiority rights, as always.

Each articulation as she recalled that day - each syllable and each sound that rolled off his tongue - seemed to be a stab into her heart. Once, twice, an infinite amount. She was bleeding. Figuratively, but she felt like she was losing most of her strength and her aloofness that she built up against her brother. Exposed and vulnerable, he was taking advantage of that. Unwanted memories stirred up - unwanted memories of hate and fury that she had been suppressed now came into the picture. An explosive mixture, if not dealt with properly. "Yeah I remember - and I thought you were going to try to prove me wrong, just to spite me! And look what you've done... you just confirmed it." The last part was spoken softly - she wasn't entirely sure how that would turn out, actually. "You can't escape family, Len. I was trying to use reverse psychology-" lies "judging by your personality you'd do it. But I'm afraid... I'm guilty."

He. Didn't deserve it. He hadn't deserved it yet back then she had dished it out like the impulsive girl she was when she was around him. "Len, please. Let's be honest here - you wouldn't believe me if I said you found me at a weak moment and I sort of just snapped then. But I was. I was so stressed and angry and new things were getting thrown at me so fast..." She closed her eyes trying to get a hold of the situation, trying to blink the tears away that had been continuously falling all along. She lifted a sleeve to wipe up the excess tears.

His gaze caught her's, searing and painful. Matching, nearly identical eyes were caught staring at each other, one full of pain and one full of anger. No. This was wrong, this wasn't happening, this wasn't how it was supposed to end up as. This may be the beginnings of adulthood, of finally shedding their teen years in favor of being adults, but Len didn't see it that way. He just seemed so... done. Beat. Tired of trying and ready to die. And it terrified her to the bone. No. It terrified her and the boy who died so long ago, now inside of her somehow. "No!" He couldn't be done. Those lifeless and dull eyes, they would regain back their power. "I won't let you! We won't!" She practically flung herself onto him, hugging him, holding him tight all while sobbing at the prospect of just what he could have been hinting.

"It might be late for us, but for you to just do it because of a petty reason like us... I'll never forgive you!" He wasn't even asking for forgiveness, but it was as bad as a threat as she could say. She held on tight, hoping some kind of magical hugging power would make him see sense, at least enough to stop him from thinking these thoughts. "I won't let go. Never, not until you tell me you're wrong." She'd use all of her strength, all of her threats and instinct to make this a reality. If she had to, she'd intimidate and set fire to everything. She didn't want whatever bad, horrible thoughts crossed her mind to ever happen to Len, never.

from above the clouds a faint flash

announced the arrival of a lost child

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april 30th 2012
monday
dark and inside

Joze ignored him, all those hateful words. He didn't mean them, he never meant them, of course not, right? And she never meant those words she spoke, either. But still, she knew that it still hurt, no matter the circumstance. It hurt, and these poisonous words turned against even the one who spoke them. This was... she was tired, too. But her pride, it kept her strong. And even now, she was unsure if that was a good thing. Even though he was yelling at her, making her hurt, the real person he was putting down was himself. And the nightmare she never though she'd have to deal with - ever (since Len was supposed to be the strong older brother that could deal with everything, right?), it was slowly becoming a reality, right in front of her eyes.

Increased use of alcohol (or just the plain use of alcohol). Showing rage, behaving recklessly, talking about being a burden to others... How did she not see this before? Even now, she held on tight, doubtful and wary of his actions. She was ready to hold on for dear life, just in case he tried to pry her off of him. It had been so, so very long since this simple act of love had been displayed between the two of them. Even then, the only physical contact they've had was violence. Nothing affectionate, nothing like a normal family should have. This was messed up, so messed up. "Len, please. You're wrong..."

Even though she learned that no amount of pleading had ever persuaded her brother before, this act seemed to move him, for he was silent. Did it work? Did it really? Joze had been doubtful. Even though she was sure that once the two of them woke up they would probably abhor each other again (at least, she would be pissed because there was school, and going on less than three hours of sleep would rob one of their right mind), this was at least some sort of improvement, right? She smiled a bit when he messed her hair up - it wasn't like it was perfect before, anyways. But still, he expertly avoided her statement, her declaration. Although his actions spoke for themselves, nothing came out of his mouth, and that worried her some. She didn't let go until he insisted on sleep, and a kiss was placed on her forehead...

Well, she supposed it was time to go, anyways. "Sleep tight." He seemed to be fine, now, albeit a bit exhausted with the way he fell immediately asleep. She smiled, though. Progress, at the very least. She left the room, turning off the light behind her. Was this finally the beginning of a bit of normalcy?