Chronicles of a Teal Deer Absence

All right... let me long story this and then teal deer it so you guys can get the gist of 'the hell happened to an Allu'. That and I've been told that I need to tell people this anyway so that when I go crazy on them people will at least know why and that I really will feel awful about it later.

STORY TIME GAIS, BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THINGS.

Waaaay back when I first joined Twisted Fate I was all sorts of super excited and full of plots and things. Really was. I know, you cannot tell from the lack of actual things done, but the excitement was there. I plotted up some characters, took forever to write them, and spent most of my days IMing you guys. That was fine. It was awesome. Jesus died for our residue and I was halfway between amused and mad about it. I made a Dorian (look at this baby isn't he just stylish and all) and started on a Rachel.

Somewhere around the middle of May I started going into what can only be called a downward spiral from hell. Think I told Katie some awful excuse about how I had novel writing urges. Sorry, that was sort of a lie. Looking back on it now I should have realized this was going to get worse. Hindsight bias is so nice. I stopped eating as much, started sleeping more. I stopped being able to go outside by myself without staring at the universe and wondering why I was bothering. June rolls around, I go chill with Jess at her place. This was fun. Aaand I basically hit my snapping point somewhere in the middle of that little extended sleepover. (I think it was the 'lost my hat' part of that trip, somewhere around there.) I went home after that and may or may not have spent the next few weeks in bed.

Honestly I cannot remember much of that. I know I said some things to the boyfriend that probably hurt him much more than he lets on. Somewhere along the line it appears my ability to care about existing broke. I now come in one of three moods: crying because I don't understand why this is happening, angry as hell because things keep happening, or generally just... breathing. People would call me and I would literally stare at the phone in tears wishing they would stop. Jess even tried, because apparently my inability to get on the internet and actually talk to people makes you lovely people worry. I stopped eating food somewhere around that point. One of my old college buddies who is now a therapist literally spent a week tracking me down and bothering me until I picked up the phone.

So. Therapy sort of happened, as much as it can with a person who absolutely refuses to leave their own bed to do so much as take care of natural life processes. (Yes this happened. My friend tells me I literally spent four days in a row in bed and only left said bed to take my dog outside so he wouldn't pee on the carpet.) Turns out I should really be on medication, but the lack of employment or insurance means I cannot get it. Either way, Allu has officially been diagnosed with clinical depression. I will not get into the really awful parts of the last few month's mood-swings. I love you guys, but as much as I am okay with the Life and Times of Allu I am not entirely comfortable with admitting the really... low parts of this.

I'm trying though, which is why we have this teal deer chronicle. Yes I know I cannot fix this with sheer stubborn. But... I've been told that if I keep trying at it eventually it might get sort of better. My therapist (yes I fully understand that it is weird that my therapist was someone I met in college, but seeing as how she's pretty reliable when my life goes awful I won't care) says that I should tell people that I'm not so good mentally right now and to remind me that being social is a good thing.

So... square one. I will work at this until I can find a happy medium or at least some coping method to make me...well... do something aside from breathing and sleeping and contemplating the inevitable heat death of the universe.

On the upside of this... I've lost twenty pounds.

tl;dr: Allu is depressed and that is why she went poof. I am very sorry that it happened and frankly I don't know when it will get better. Or if it even will. But... trying.


Also my therapist lied. This did not in fact make me feel better.