CIVILIAN. TEZCA, DIEGO [WIP]

PENDING

THE SCHOLAR HAS FOUND SOME PROBLEMS

Hello there Hero and welcome to Twisted Fate!. I would be happy to accept this character, however there are things that I would like you to fix before it can be accepted.

To start off, your username should be in all capitals. Like FIRSTNAME LASTNAME.

Secondly, you should remove the undergrad of applied physics. Since he dropped out of college he no longer has that title and it is therefore unnecessary in this area.

I would like to call your attention to the personality. A lot of his personality is very contradictory and makes little sense to me. For example, you specifically describe him as courageous. But then, the next paragraph describes him as cautious. That confuses me because it seems odd that he is brave and willing to put himself out there and yet cautious and (dare I say?) withdrawn. It would be appreciated if you could flesh out the personality a bit or at the very least explain the contradictions in his personality.

Next, the lineage also makes little sense to me. "Mexican" is an adjective that describes one's place of birth, not their race. It is the equivalent of say someone who is Asian in race being called "American" due to their birthplace. Also, a person of Aztec descent are now known as the Mexica or Tenocha people. More likely. however, unless someone is able to prove that they are Mexica through genetic tests, the people generally describe themselves as the Nahua Peoples. And in regards to the Nahuatl language, it is actually still spoken by over a million people today. Although the different dialects may be endangered, the language itself is not. Therefore, describing it as unused confuses me greatly.

On to the history. First sentence and I am once again confounded. If someone is an immigrant, then that person has legal status in their country of residence. It merely means that they changed their citizenship status to that of another country. Whether or not the immigrant has a difficult life remains to be seen as it is based on the individual. An immigrant has no need to hide themselves from the government because they would have the papers and documentation required.

His younger brother's passive aggressive hatred toward his older brother makes no sense. His older brother never did anything to him. If anything, he sounds like the model older brother: patient, kind, selfless. If the baby brother was a little snot, at most I can imagine picking on the older brother or getting into arguments. How much anger can a child of that age really build up in themselves anyway?

The insult "Jaguar" bothers me because it's not really an insult. You describe the word jaguar as such because "which is an animal that represents everything despicable in terms of the modern society's standards." If anything it should be the opposite shouldn't it? Haven't you ever heard of the Jaguar car brand? It also bewilders me because based on the heritage of Diego, Jaguar would never be an insult. In Mesoamerican cultures, jaguars are creatures of power and revered as gods. One of the highest honors a warrior of the Aztec could receive was to become a Jaguar Warrior. In such a case, why would a jaguar be a demeaning term to someone of his lineage? I see that you also reuse the jaguar multiple times throughout the rest of the app. It honestly is not accurate in terms of the Mesoamerican culture. A little research clearly shows it as being inaccurate.

Okay, why was his father the only one allowed to drive just because he is a man? Was it because she had to stay home and care for the house and therefore never learned? Maybe she did not need to learn because their village was small enough? If the mother could not drive, she couldn't drive. That's all you need to say. It just sounds sexist when phrased that way.

What kind of person curses someone for helping them out of a crash? What kind of person would get out of such a disastrous crash completely rational and not disoriented? There really is no logical reason for that moment nor is there a logical reason for the little brother's hate.

As for Diego snapping, I am still unable to see why he would possibly snap from petty arguments with his brother. Based on how you describe it, the baby bro does not appear to be all that threatening. Assuming that baby bro began to hate big bro around 7 or 8 (after all, a four year old saying I hate you does not seem very harmful or threatening), Diego would have suffered through approximately 4 years of this. Also assuming that much of the hatred was quashed by his parents who tried to control their youngest son, it really isn't enough for someone (especially someone of his age and demeanor) to suddenly snap.

Let me just put it bluntly, cars don't explode. That only happens in movies. Fires are possible but even the most seasoned firefighter or rescue worker will tell you that car explosions never happen or only happen under certain conditions that allow the car to explode.

One does not become a legal citizen so easily. I don't care how much influence you have, the process made be sped up but you still need to go through the steps such as the citizenship test, possible interviews, etc.

Los Angeles is in Southern California. Southern California means that Hispanics actually make up a majority. Diego would never have been in the minority while in high school.

One cannot simply become a gang member. Also, different Hispanic gangs are divided based on what kind of Hispanic you are. Hispanics from different areas hate each other. No gang members in their right minds would walk up to another Hispanic person and suddenly accept them based on their race. It is much more complicated then that.

You can't start as a snitch. To snitch means to tell another party about information you have. Snitching means betraying your gang and giving info to the police or to other gangs. Snitches are in no way a good position to be in.

No, no, no. It doesn't work that way. If you don't fight and you don't get involved with drugs or selling of said item you are out of the gang. They don't need members such as those. You can't get into a gang and "keep your hands clean" so to speak.

He's working for money to help his uncle. Did you not previously state that the uncle had a lot of money and power so that he could quickly get Diego citizenship? That is very contradictory.

If a therapist goes missing, you get assigned a new one if it's a community care center or you find a new one. Leaving someone such as Diego in such a fragile state of mind without a therapist is unsafe and highly unlikely.

Scars are lighter than the skin not darker. The tattoo on his head would not connect the scar, it would go over the scar and most likely hide it.

Why would he get a jaguar tattoo? Jaguars supposedly scarred him and is something that caused him great mental turmoil. Why would he then want that image on his back?

Okay first of all rivotril is only called rivotril in certain countries all of which are not the United States. Since Diego received therapy in the US, he should know it as klonopin. Secondly, this medication is primarily used for epilepsy. It baffles me why Diego would then be taking this medication.

Overall there are many things that need to be clarified or changed. Grammar mistakes can be overlooked and are not as important but I would like to point out that there are many areas where the writing does not flow well. Reading things out loud will help in identifying these error spots.

Once you have made the appropriate changes, please post in the finished app thread and I will review your app again.