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Post by KYU-SIK MOON on May 27, 2014 22:51:22 GMT -8
I will not fall, once more I'm called. Time comes for all...
June 22nd
tag | Donovan
words | 317 | Kyu-Sik never was the sort of man who knew how to react when an overly emotional situation was thrown his way. The night had been overwhelming for him, and he was on the easier end of it. If he was being honest, he wasn’t entirely sure what the dagger had done to Donovan. The dagger that was now resting in his own bag instead of the other’s backpack. He almost thought that he should give it back for him to protect as a symbol of trust between them, but Kyu-Sik wasn’t entirely sure yet how much Donovan could be trusted. He was met with clawing, sobs, and a fist that luckily missed his face back on the beach. The scent of salty air still filled his nose at the recent memory.
Something had happened. He needed to know exactly what happened and knew that he would be given the information one way or another. It was most ideal for Donovan to tell him rather than Chaos, but he wasn’t sure how soon that would be. He wasn’t going to pry when the other man seemed so emotionally unstable. Not when he knew it was his fault. Both of them had calmed down, but the silence between them was cold and uneasy. Kyu-Sik didn’t dare break it with anything that would prod the man back into tears.
In retrospect, Denny’s probably wasn’t the best choice for a middle-of-the-night pitstop after having just essentially murdered-but-not-really the person closest to him. They were both drained and a snack seemed like it would be rejuvenating when he parked by the 24-hour restaurant. However, he now found himself just quietly staring at the soup in front of him.
His dark eyes hesitantly glanced up at Donovan and then to his own untouched sandwich. “Is it any good?” Kyu-Sik asked as if there was any indication that Donovan had even tried it. |
electric has gangnam style and back to neverland |
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Post by DONOVAN SHEPHERD on May 28, 2014 11:29:34 GMT -8
 HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN For the past several minutes, Donovan stared blankly down at his sandwich, contemplating the texture of bread and the offputting smell of butter it was soaked in. Moons over my hammy. Even the lighthearted pun couldn't pull a smile from him. Since the tears stopped back at the beach, everything had gone numb except the pain still burning through his heart. Donovan rubbed at the spot self-consciously. At least there hadn't been blood, and he wasn't about to question why. But that didn't save him from looking like a wreck. His eyes were swollen and red, glasses streaked and bits of sand clinging to his hair and clothes. Thankfully the waitress only spared him a small frown of sympathy before getting them seated in a booth back in the corner. She probably thought they were breaking up. Maybe they were, if they had ever been together. All he wanted was a long, burning shower. There might have been an intention to eat when he pointed weakly at the menu. Something to wash away the ashy stain that seemed to cling all the way down his throat and fill the hollow pit of his stomach. But he couldn't bring himself to do so, could hardly coordinate his body into more than a tired slump. The waitress passed by a few times, but seemed to realize it was better to let them be. He felt drained and uneasy, barely held together by his vague awareness of being in public. A few shuddering breaths, but he wouldn't cry. He couldn't gauge Kyu-Sik's intentions in any of this, what was next for them. Was he being held hostage? Even with several other diners around, it was unlikely anyone could help him. He didn't want help if that meant leaving Kyu-Sik's side, but it was growing more doubtful if that was a place he even had right to. Not after the man had acted to get rid of him entirely. But what possibly was left for him to offer, what reason that he was still alive? Donovan glanced up from his untouched sandwich, slow to comprehend the question. It had grown cold by then. Donovan's mouth moved, trying to arrange itself into some sort of expression until he settled on a cringe. A small shake of his head followed, a rejection of the plate of food in front of him. It's not you, he mentally told the sandwich, it's me. WORDS:### TAGS:Kyu-Sik NOTES:Keep em short
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Post by KYU-SIK MOON on May 28, 2014 13:33:51 GMT -8
I will not fall, once more I'm called. Time comes for all...
June 22nd
tag | Donovan
words | 228 | A slight frown found its way past Kyu-Sik’s attempt to maintain a neutral expression. Heavy foods were typically comfort foods. In concept, it seemed like it would have been a good dish. However, the problem at hand went above something like a bad day at work. He wasn’t going to blame Donovan for his disinterest in the meal, even if he had chosen it for himself. Even if it had looked appetizing, he could hear in Donovan’s occasional shuddering breaths that he was still not okay. Calm, yes, but they weren’t okay. Kyu-Sik wasn’t sure when and if they would be again, but life went on regardless.
He wasn’t going to just give up on it. Being the ever dutiful boy he had always been, he had no plans to just leave the other male totally alone in a broken state that he had directly cause. It was his responsibility and, somewhere lingering in the back of his mind, he wondered if it was love. Something more than an act of friendship, something he hadn’t even considered until it was too late. Kyu-Sik had done what he truly thought was best. That was all he thought he could have done.
His attempts to be comforting now were poor, though. “Do you want to try the soup?” The boy nudged the bowl of broccoli and cheddar toward Donovan. |
electric has gangnam style and back to neverland |
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Post by DONOVAN SHEPHERD on May 28, 2014 22:13:34 GMT -8
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN The soup looked as unappetizing as the sandwich, his stomach lurching uncomfortably when confronted with the prospect of having to eat it. But was it an offer he could turn down? If he refused something so simple, would he appear uncooperative? Donovan reluctantly pulled the bowl closer, fingers closing around the spoon still untouched on his paper napkin. Slowly, he lifted it. Just do what you're told, his mind coached him. Don't give him anymore reason to hurt you. He could no longer trust that Kyu-Sik wouldn't. Even if the other man didn't want to, he now had proof that Kyu-Sik would follow through with anything asked of him. And he had no doubts that he was disposable. Alive, somehow, but entirely disposable. Donovan's glance across the table was fearful, hand trembling as he scooped a mouthful of the thick soup into his mouth and choked down around the bits of broccoli. He felt like one of his picky younger sisters, only eating supper under a strict gaze. Nothing tasted right, almost burnt even though the food was clearly fine. But it wasn't repulsive. He went through the motion a couple more times, for Kyu-Sik's sake. Trying to give the illusion that he was okay, to prove that he was cooperating. To prove to himself he was still capable of the very basic functions of living. He hoped for permission to stop, eyes pleading. WORDS:### TAGS:Kyu-Sik NOTES:
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Post by KYU-SIK MOON on May 28, 2014 22:54:15 GMT -8
I will not fall, once more I'm called. Time comes for all...
June 22nd
tag | Donovan
words | 281 | As if it wasn’t already obvious that he was failing at being comforting enough for Donovan, it became clear in an action as simple as eating. Kyu-Sik watched Donovan take a spoonful of soup, trembling hand and all. He thought back on their first dinner out together. Things hadn’t been entirely pleasant that day, as they seemed to have a knack in bringing out the worst conversation topics in each other. But there had been an ever so slight amusement in watching Donovan eat that day, fumbling with the chopsticks he had clearly never used before. Despite everything, the air had been much clearer between them that day.
That memory only emphasized how very unclear things were at the moment. He quietly tried to read Donovan’s expression, his own fading into subtle guilt for the first time since he realized that the other was alive. There wasn’t desire, there was just an unspoken obedience. Something he remembered in the limit that he could of a very lonely past.
Kyu-Sik gentle reached out his hand to stop Donovan, but retracted as soon as it brushed against the other man’s. He wasn’t sure where their limits were and any touch was made with uncertainty. “Donovan, if you don’t want to eat it, then don’t eat it,” he attempted to reason. The boy who normally wouldn’t dare waste food, who was living by that ever since his mother had scolded him just once for it, was pushing the idea aside just to alleviate the atmosphere as much as he could.
“If you’re not hungry, we should probably just go anyway. It’s late and I really don’t mind. I can take you home.” |
electric has gangnam style and back to neverland |
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Post by DONOVAN SHEPHERD on May 29, 2014 10:47:13 GMT -8
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN Permission was all he needed. The spoon clattered messily to the table. Relief. Donovan grabbed for Kyu-Sik's hand before it could be completely retracted, holding tightly. Despite all his uncertainties, contact wasn't one of them. He needed Kyu-Sik to still be there, in reach. As long as he wasn't abandoned, he'd allow the man to take him anywhere. But he was glad that it was home, nodding his want. The emptied apartment that he'd been trying to keep out of as much as possible the last few days was now the safest place he could be. And he was exhausted, every corner of his conscious and body aching under the strain of his near-death. Donovan rubbed absently at his chest again. Even though there hadn't been blood, there was some sort of wound. He didn't really want to look. He assumed Kyu-Sik paid, in too much of a daze to really pay much attention while they left. Keeping himself upright was enough of an effort. At some point the brightly-lit restaurant changed into a much darker car interior, with Kyu-Sik buckling him in. Donovan wanted to laugh at the gesture, as if a seat belt really made all that much of a difference for him. But he silently appreciated it, whether it was purely out of habit or if it actually meant something. Donovan rested his face against the window, watching the road go by until they finally stopped and he was numbly fumbling for his keys to get inside. He stared at Kyu-Sik at the door, questioning and hopeful. "Stay," he mumbled, voice weak and followed by a rough cough at the dryness caked in his throat. WORDS:### TAGS:Kyu-Sik NOTES:Keep em short
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Post by KYU-SIK MOON on May 29, 2014 12:24:40 GMT -8
I will not fall, once more I'm called. Time comes for all...
June 22nd
tag | Donovan
words | 340 | His eyes searched for Donovan’s when his hand was grabbed, letting it be held as tightly as needed. No more words than that needed to be said. The ‘dinner’ was paid for, he buckled them both into the car, and soon enough they were at Donovan’s apartment.
Though he had walked him to his apartment door, Kyu-Sik had every intention of turning and heading for his own home afterwards. He had already caused Donovan enough trouble for the evening. As uneasy as he was about leaving him alone, he didn’t want to be there if it was just going to cause the other man more trauma that he couldn’t yet entirely explain. He would say goodnight. Or good morning? It was nearly that time. Then he would be on his way and return whenever Donovan was ready for him to.
However, that wasn’t what he really wanted to do. He was almost surprised just to hear Donovan finally speak again. The man’s voice rough. Kyu-Sik assumed it was from sobbing as much as he had, but it was still a relief to his heart to hear it. “Of course,” he immediately responded, no questions despite the lingering realization that he was walking into a situation where Donovan could take his revenge at any time. There were other questions that popped into his mind when he actually walked through the door.
He was aware that Donovan’s roommate was planning for a move, but he had no idea how soon. The empty apartment was not at all what he had expected, but he supposed he would not be sleeping on the comfortable couch again. The thought that it all seemed perfectly timed for their night passed through his mind, though he quickly brushed it aside. He wouldn’t say anything about it. “Do you need a glass of water?” Kyu-Sik asked, ready to get Donovan one so that he could go lie down right away. Assuming he had glasses left. And assuming Donovan had a place to lie down still. |
electric has gangnam style and back to neverland |
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Post by DONOVAN SHEPHERD on May 29, 2014 13:50:58 GMT -8
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN Revenge had been pondered and dismissed, knowing how futile any attempts would be and dreading the consequences of both failure and success. There was little he wanted, but the loss of the other man was not one of them. He was all that was left to give meaning, and if Kyu-Sik walked away that night then Donovan feared he'd never come back. Altan's departure and the empty apartment only highlighted how alienated he'd become. Not a single person in the world could have cared about what happened to him that night, except the person that had done it. There was no rescue for him, not even an illusion of choice left for him to make. He was lucky that it was already, somehow, what he wanted. Even if this wasn't quite how he'd envisioned it. He gave a wobbly nod, water sounding much more soothing than food had been. He'd let Kyu-Sik find the cups without instruction, the remaining few chipped and without any matching set. They had been pushed to the back of the cupboards until everything nicer had been removed, barely escaping being thrown away only because they'd been forgotten about. Was he supposed to just carry on as if nothing happened- go to his appointments the next day to check out potential new apartments and roommates, go into work the night after to talk about music and upcoming ticket giveaways? If Kyu-Sik left, would he even be able to look at Mi-Ho? Would the girl's scary sense of intuition be able to piece together a rough outline of what happened? He wanted to avoid her probing stare and Louisa's lack of tact, but he was in no position to quit work. That'd have to be an anxiety he'd deal with later. He shut it off as easily as he pulled the blinds shut against the threat of the oncoming break of day. The sun always rose as if nothing happened during the night, and he'd have to do the same. But later. Usually he felt cold despite the sunny weather, but now his sweater was way too hot and itchy. He would have thought it too rude to strip down in front of a guest before, but he gave it very little thought now, leaving his top and trousers in a careless heap on the floor. The glass of water would have to do for now, the shower could wait until after he had a chance to rest. WORDS:### TAGS:Kyu-Sik NOTES:
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Post by KYU-SIK MOON on May 29, 2014 17:28:58 GMT -8
I will not fall, once more I'm called. Time comes for all...
June 22nd
tag | Donovan
words | 232 | His bag and shoes were left by the door, and then a glass was found. Chipped and certainly not matching the others, but it wasn’t as if dishes had ever been extremely different from that at his own home. He filled it, eyes straying afterward as Donovan walked to his bedroom. The other had dropped his sweater and trousers on the floor. Normally Kyu-Sik wouldn’t have thought twice of it. Donovan seemed to like keeping himself as covered as possible, but they were in a private setting and they had a traumatic night.
However, the oddity caught his attention quickly, a stark black mark on the other’s chest. He tried not to stare, knew better than to draw the other’s attention to it. The way he had been unconsciously rubbing at the spot meant that he had to have noticed it himself. Hadn’t he?
“Here,” Kyu-Sik said, offering the glass to him. His own breath had slowed with a closer realization of what had happened to Donovan. A ‘who were you’ was lingering on his lips, but it wouldn’t come out. Not yet. “You should get some rest.” As Donovan took a place on the mattress, he found a place of his own on the floor next to it. He leaned against the cool wall, letting out a soft sigh as his eyes slipped shut for only a moment. |
electric has gangnam style and back to neverland |
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Post by DONOVAN SHEPHERD on May 29, 2014 20:49:59 GMT -8
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN The cup was emptied quickly and set aside along with his glasses next to the glowing alarm clock on the floor, where his nightstand used to be. He jerked the power cord from the wall, both in disagreement with the time and the light it emitted. He had no reason to be up that wouldn't be spent better sleeping through. Donovan rubbed roughly at his eyes, scraped fingers through his messy hair as he settled into bed. Blankets were considered, but ended up pushed off the edge, toward Kyu-Sik in an unspoken offer. The wall probably wasn't comfortable. An invitation to join him was never made, despite his desire to have the man closer for reassurance that didn't seem forthcoming. Of course it wasn't. Kyu-Sik seemed deliberate in keeping that distance, and it was already too much to ask he stay at all. He wrapped the thin sheet around himself tightly, refrained from rolling over onto his side in his typical position that would leave Kyu-Sik at his back, instead watching his dark silhouette through blurred vision. Rest was one command that he had no problem following, sinking deeper into the worn mattress. Familiar and safe. But sleep was elusive when it finally came hours later after all the sheep had been counted, fitful and haunted. Visions that scorched and left everything enveloped in a thick smoke. Torture that no amount of pleading could cease. Donovan woke up again with a frantic scream, trembling and gasping in the sweat-soaked sheet until reality slowly seeped back in, awareness that he was in his bedroom and he was fine. And then he was very still, face pressed against his pillow and debating whether to attempt sleep again or face the nightmares of the present instead. WORDS:### TAGS:Kyu-Sik NOTES:Keep em short
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Post by KYU-SIK MOON on May 29, 2014 22:19:04 GMT -8
I will not fall, once more I'm called. Time comes for all...
June 22nd
tag | Donovan
words | 194 | It was just a moment, but apparently a moment was all that he had needed. He allowed himself to take the blanket that had been offered. Only the quiet breathing of the other man was the last thing he could remember before he had drifted off to sleep. Even if it wasn’t the most comfortable place or position to be sleeping, he was exhausted from the day, from the night. He couldn’t even imagine how exhausted Donovan must have been as well, physically and emotionally. The sleep was welcomed and he was grateful for how much he got.
When he awoke, it was with a jolt of his own, a reaction to being woken by a scream. Almost panicked himself, he quickly looked to Donovan to see what was the matter. However, nothing seemed wrong, he wasn’t being attacked at least. He was trembling, gasping, but Kyu-Sik was assuming that he was physically alright. It had to have been a bad dream.
Still, he reached over, gently placing a concerned hand on Donovan’s shoulder. “Hey, are you alright?” It was painfully clear that he wasn’t, but what else was supposed to be said? |
electric has gangnam style and back to neverland |
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Post by DONOVAN SHEPHERD on May 29, 2014 22:58:53 GMT -8
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN Donovan lifted his head sluggishly, taking in the small relief of Kyu-Sik's presence as he considered how to answer. "No," he admitted, knew an obvious lie would only put up more barriers between them. He didn't want to, hated confrontation, but they needed to talk about it if they were to talk about anything ever again. Kyu-Sik gave him honesty, and he deserved it in return. From the tangle of the sheet that still clung to him, he extracted an arm, once more grabbing for the other man's wrist. He tugged weakly, trying to encourage him closer. There was plenty of room still on the bed next to him. "I don't think I'm allowed to be, am I?" How was he supposed to be alright, when the very forces of the world singly selected him to not be. And he couldn't figure out why. He'd worked so hard to stay out of matters that weren't his own, to become so ordinary that nobody spared him a second look. What had he done to mess up so badly, other than fall in love with exactly the wrong person? He said those words, thinking it was his last chance. Even now, Donovan wasn't able to take the words back. Yet they seemed to get swept under everything else afterward. He wondered if the kiss had been out of pity. At the time it hadn't mattered, easing Donovan into thinking whatever he needed to come to some sort of peace with his end. There weren't supposed to be any consequences or rejections of his feelings, which somehow seemed much more difficult to deal with than the dismissal of his life. What was wrong with him to even think that Kyu-Sik could still possibly return his feelings? What was wrong with him to still seek it? WORDS:### TAGS:Kyu-Sik NOTES:Keep em short
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Post by KYU-SIK MOON on May 29, 2014 23:43:27 GMT -8
I will not fall, once more I'm called. Time comes for all...
June 22nd
tag | Donovan
words | 330 | It was only one word at first, but Kyu-Sik was happy to hear Donovan’s voice again. He certainly appreciated the honesty. It was nice to hear something that wouldn’t keep him guessing about his emotional state even if it was pretty obviously not good. He did not obey Donovan’s tug at first. He found himself pausing at the question that had been asked, looking down at his wrist and idly moving his hand to take hold of Donovan’s.
“I don’t know,” he admitted quietly after a brief hesitation. He wasn’t going to lie to Donovan about his own uncertainty. That was the only thing he felt guilty of at that moment, as if he was neglecting some sort of title he hadn’t fully regained by not knowing exactly what was happening. Still, he wasn’t entirely in the dark. He wanted to tell Donovan that of course he was allowed to be, but that wasn’t something he could promise anymore. His head slightly tilted to the side, eyes slipping closed again for a moment more. “I gave your soul away… It’s not in your hands. Not in mine, either.” And there was nothing he could do to take that back. He wouldn’t have even if he could have, honestly, still convinced in some warped mentality that he had done what was best.
It was only then that he finally moved closer, wondering briefly if it was an even worse time to do so. “Either way, you’re clearly worth more alive,” than dead. Kyu-Sik caught himself before he said it all, and he didn’t want it to seem as intimidating as it might have actually been. He wasn’t going to bring up the implications of being alive just yet. He now sat on the mattress beside where Donovan was lying. It was certainly better than the floor, but he wasn’t going to lie down himself yet. “That entitles you to some level of being alright, don’t you think?” |
electric has gangnam style and back to neverland |
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Post by DONOVAN SHEPHERD on Jun 1, 2014 18:36:23 GMT -8
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN The mattress shifted under Kyu-Sik's weight, and Donovan pulled himself up to sit as well. "Why?" he asked, looking to Kyu-Sik for answers he wasn't sure he really wanted or that he was even allowed. Not that any difference could be made now, knowing that asking for it back was laughable if either of them were in much mood to laugh. But as unbelievable as it all sounded, before even uncertain of the existence of souls, he felt the truth of it beneath his fingertips as he traced the mark over his heart. Some sort of proof that he was owned, like the brand his father would sear into the sides of their cattle. It went far deeper than his skin. He felt that there was some dark grip on him now, suffocating and contaminating. "What value is my soul?" Because there were plenty of better options out there in the world, not much to offer himself. Maybe he was just easy prey, had walked into it with no struggle at all. Unaware of the stakes, and he lost the gamble. He gave Kyu-Sik his full trust, and Kyu-Sik in turn simply did what he thought needed to be done. It certainly wasn't taken for any sort of safekeeping, and there was no hint of apology for it. He was glad, because he wasn't sure he could accept. What good would a sorry do for him now? If Kyu-Sik were sorry, that meant it was all some sort of mistake, and what Donovan needed now more than anything was to believe the right choice had been made. After years of feeling cast out by his parents and their conceptual god, doubtful that any religion had a place for anyone like him, it felt oddly comforting that maybe there was something that did want him. As horrible as the implications of it were, as damned as he may be for it. Maybe he had a place, somewhere, after all. "No," he disagreed with his entitlement to anything at all, not feeling safe. "If the only reason I'm being kept alive... is to keep hurting," Donovan leaned tiredly against the other man, their shoulders touching. "And I know I can't ask you for anymore promises." It didn't sound accusatory, just acceptance of where Kyu-Sik's loyalties were and exactly what position that left him in. WORDS:### TAGS:Kyu-Sik NOTES:
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Post by KYU-SIK MOON on Jun 1, 2014 21:51:03 GMT -8
I will not fall, once more I'm called. Time comes for all...
June 22nd
tag | Donovan
words | 378 | “I don’t know yet,” he answered, the repetition weighing on him more heavily than he was letting show. They were reasonable questions, but questions that he could not answer until he knew more himself. For the most part, he wouldn’t even make up possibilities. The idea that Donovan was being kept alive to keep hurting was… unfortunate, but not impossible. It meant something about what was going through Donovan’s mind that he had no yet asked about himself. He was quietly looking for answers to Donovan’s questions in the boy himself, unable to tell him much more otherwise.
Kyu-Sik kept himself still when he felt Donovan leaning against him, supporting the weight and almost content at its warmth against his back. He didn’t try to look back, his eyes instead turning toward his hand that still sought the other male’s. “I only know that… you have value to me.” Though he was hesitating to follow up on that comment, he wasn’t going to deny his responsibility in the matter. He wasn’t going to make false promises or suggestions. However, he could safely say that he had valued Donovan’s life in that moment. He valued it still, valued him as someone who could stay by his side. However, he had been told by Chaos to do what he did. He could only wonder what Donovan’s place in everything would be.
Another slow but deep breath was taken before he said anything more. He tiredly rubbed at the corner of his eye. “I can’t promise you anything right now, but I…” He trailed off again, knowing now really wasn’t the best time for any more admission of feelings. He had given away Donovan’s soul, and even with consent it didn’t feel fair to throw anything else at him. He was uncertain of what was really the right thing to say, but he was still hoping for some sort of confirmation from Donovan that he couldn’t explain.
“Do you have regrets?” Kyu-Sik settled with instead, as if Donovan had been given much of a choice to begin with. It was a dumb question. The tears and damaged state should have been enough for Kyu-Sik to know the answer. Still, he couldn’t think of what else to ask. |
electric has gangnam style and back to neverland |
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Post by DONOVAN SHEPHERD on Jun 2, 2014 22:15:35 GMT -8
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN The lack of answers could have been a good thing, an indication that nothing else was planned for him. Some time to recover. Or maybe it was just lulling him into a false hope that the worst had passed with being stabbed through the chest. It was hard to imagine that having your soul owned came with no terms and conditions. Surely there was something expected of him, but Kyu-Sik seemed just as uncertain what to do with him now as he was himself. "What value? You'd still let them..." he looked away, bottom lip trembling as he tried to keep his breaths steady. "You'd do it yourself, if asked." It felt somewhat unfair, clearly accusatory now and knowing Kyu-Sik couldn't honestly deny otherwise. "And I'd let you, and that's what terrifies me. Because if that's what my value is, if my torture is my only worth, then I'll take it just to mean something. Not for your god or for your people, but for you. Every scream." Something was inherently flawed in his thought process, broken and desperate. He felt wrong, as if he was supposed to fight bitterly against the only thing he loved on principle of his freedom. But he couldn't bring himself to, daring a glance back at Kyu-Sik and searching for any sign that he wasn't as sick as he felt. He didn't crave the torture, completely horrified by the memories of it that still felt freshly burnt into his mind. But he accepted it, knowing the world had no kindness left to spare him. "I promise," he whispered, because he was the only one between them that could. If he had any regrets, it was difficult to track how far back they went. Every choice from running away from home to leaving his first boyfriend had sent him this direction, and yet of all the mistakes he made along the way, there wasn't anything he could pinpoint. "No regrets," he decided, a defeated sigh as he curled his fingers through Kyu-Sik's. "I took care of my only regret last night," he reminded a bit shyly, feeling greedy for getting a last wish when he survived. Maybe that just meant he couldn't ask for one when the time actually came. He was okay with that. WORDS:### TAGS:Kyu-Sik NOTES:
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Post by KYU-SIK MOON on Jun 2, 2014 23:24:11 GMT -8
I will not fall, once more I'm called. Time comes for all...
June 22nd
tag | Donovan
words | 542 | It seemed like silence would just keep overtaking him this… morning? Afternoon? Kyu-Sik had given little thought to what the time must’ve been. Weighing heavily on him now was the gravity of what Donovan was saying. Comments of torture kept coming up. It caused him worry at first until he was given a promise in place of his own inability to do so. Kyu-Sik couldn’t deny anything, knowing that Donovan wasn’t that far off in terms of possibility. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he wasn’t going to set aside any duty he could be given.
What it all came down to, though, was that promise and a lack of regret. It was a certainty among uncertainties, and that was all he needed to hear. “Then stay with me…” He replied in nearly a whisper, his fingers tightening around Donovan’s as he said it. He was still blaming himself for their current situation, and for not knowing all the details of what happened. However, he could still cling to what he did know was true. He had been so grateful for Donovan’s life even if the other wanted nothing to do with him after that. But he wasn’t going to lie about what he really longed for. Not now.
“I was told that… doing what I did might put you on our side,” he finally admitted, feeling guilt for what that added to the action. He was going back on nothing he told Donovan before he did it, convinced that there was no choice for either of them to begin with. If Fate wanted Donovan, then that would be that regardless of his say. However, of all the possible endings to what was done, one of them was making an ally of someone he cared about. A friend. He hadn’t even considered a lover, but his heart couldn’t let go of the idea now that it was there. “I have no one other than Chaos. I never have.” Not in their present, and not in what he little could remember of his past. Yes, there were the memories of the people hanging on his words, but the underlying feeling of loneliness was there. “I don’t want to be alone this time. I—“
Kyu-Sik cut himself off, not liking the words right after they left him, but he knew it was true. He was human and he wasn’t perfect as much as he tried to be, as hard as he worked to present himself as such. There was a desperation in his soul for companionship. He almost felt more guilty over this flaw than anything else that had happened. Guilty for having such a basic vulnerability that he was admitting. It seemed so small compared to the heavy subjects Donovan was talking about. Torture was much more terrifying than being alone, wasn’t it? Perhaps in that brief thought then, this was a twisted win-win for the both of them.
He was capable of doing anything he needed to do alone. He always had before. But he didn’t want to. He finally glanced back to Donovan, his own hand still latched onto the other’s. “I want you to stay with me. We needed an ally and… I need you.” |
electric has gangnam style and back to neverland |
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Post by DONOVAN SHEPHERD on Jun 3, 2014 22:13:43 GMT -8
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN Choosing sides was something he'd explicitly avoided since a childhood of arguing siblings, and over the years had grown wary of tying himself too closely to any ideologies or getting too involved in anything that didn't affect him. He couldn't even comfortably decide on a favourite colour or flavour of ice cream, when those things came so easily to others. Intrinsically tied to their self-identities. Donovan clung to neutrality and the lack of accountability it afforded him. He never expected a side forced upon him, loyalty earned through an act of violence that should have warned him in the other direction. Even now he lacked even the basic understanding of doctrine or practices of what now held his soul in limbo, that he was now blindly pledging allegiance toward. Yet he couldn't resent Kyu-Sik for any of it, for failing to mention any of the fine print as if it would have changed the outcome. Knowing that Kyu-Sik had wanted him, when he had nobody else in this life nor the past, was an honour he intended to uphold. They had shared the intimate depths of their loneliness, and Donovan was determined to keep him from having to feel that way again. "I have nowhere else to go," Donovan responded, exhaling slowly and trying not to feel trapped by his own words. That wasn't reassuring as he intended, knew it made it sound like he had no other choice. Maybe he really didn't. But Kyu-Sik was trying to present him with one, or at least the illusion of. Not one regarding his fate nor his soul, because neither of them were in much control what happened next, but his heart. That was all he had left to give, and perhaps he wasn't as protective over it as he should have been. He was done being careful. "But it wouldn't matter if I did," he decided, wanting there to be no question over his commitment to his decision. All the hypotheticals in the world, all the rescue attempts that would never come, offers of freedom for trading of loyalties to sides he didn't even know existed. None of them would sway him, solely dedication to the man he didn't really know until the night before. "You have me," he promised again, earnestly as he nestled his face against Kyu-Sik's exposed neck. "All of me," he whispered with lips brushing gently against the skin under his ear, meaning every implication that Kyu-Sik chose to take. WORDS:### TAGS:Kyu-Sik NOTES:
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Post by KYU-SIK MOON on Jun 4, 2014 4:37:02 GMT -8
I will not fall, once more I'm called. Time comes for all...
June 22nd
tag | Donovan
words | 361 | Awaiting an answer seemed to take an eternity, even if it was actually far from it. He feared for the worst, and wouldn’t have blamed Donovan if he hated him. When the answer finally came, he almost felt like he didn’t deserve it.
A quiet breath escaped his mouth when the Donovan nestled his face against his neck, but he was still. A warmth returned to his cheeks that he had barely recognized back on the beach when he had done what he needed to do. When he had done what led to the current situation between them. Kyu-Sik wasn’t good with emotional situations. He never had been. His first instinct had always been to bottle most everything inside himself, good or bad. It wasn’t because he felt his emotions were necessarily a weakness so much as he preferred the idea that he had a good control over himself. Letting that go was difficult.
Now… he wasn’t so sure what to do. There was a total acceptance in Donovan’s words. The details slipping in between their lines were not lost on him, and that’s probably what made it so difficult. This was more than simply gaining an ally. This was gaining a full companion, no matter how selfish or cruel the methods had been. Cruelty that would have been nothing had their relationship been different, though he still held no regrets for what he had done.
He was happy. Not quite relieved, no, but he was truly happy at the repeated promise to him. His heart that had been wrenching still felt overwhelmed, but it wasn’t unpleasant. Kyu-Sik turned himself as much as he needed to until he could look more clearly into Donovan’s eyes, a silent thank you in his soft expression that wasn’t finding itself able to come out in the proper words. Then, he leaned in until their lips pressed together again. He didn’t think much about it, or at least tried not to. It was what felt right. Which wasn’t to say the second kiss was any better than the first. His lips were almost trembling for a moment and then stiff again out of his inexperience. |
electric has gangnam style and back to neverland |
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Post by DONOVAN SHEPHERD on Jun 4, 2014 21:57:42 GMT -8
HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN Words were often difficult to find, easy to misinterpret with all their shades of meaning. Stressful to formulate and even more difficult to deliver the way intended with variables such as tones and inflections. Where Donovan had little confidence in his ability to communicate his feelings on such a delicate subject, there was nothing awkward or shy about him when their lips locked. He pressed into the kiss with an encouraging sigh, slow and careful as he slipped a bare leg between Kyu-Sik's. This wasn't worth rushing, lacking the urgency of the night before, gently spelling out his promise with a line of kisses along Kyu-Sik's jawline. Though with plenty of experience over Kyu-Sik's lack of, it had been a long time since he'd last been involved with anyone. He'd been fine without it, convinced he really wasn't in a stable enough financial or emotional state that an ideal relationship would call for. Maybe this wasn't what he should have considered ideal, yet it was more than he'd ever expected to feel so wholly connected to someone. His infatuation with Kyu-Sik went beyond any of the circumstances that held them, and he was relieved to no longer have to keep it suppressed in fear of losing the other completely. It had been easy to picture them together in a normal life, quiet and probably a bit uneventful. Such a thing probably wasn't possible anymore, but it hardly mattered if they managed to grow old together or if his life was to be cut short once more. All he needed was that moment, the understanding between them. Donovan broke the kiss, taking a couple steadying breaths. "Is this okay?" he asked, fingers undoing the top button of the man's wrinkled shirt. WORDS:### TAGS:Kyu-Sik NOTES:
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